I think you have to be very careful with how your character responds to the more political situations. He can’t start off redpilled, he has to slowly get redpilled over time until the incompetence and special preference with his daughter sends him over the edge. Also, the war part should maybe be condensed a little bit, it should be a challenge and a part where he learns but shouldn’t be the focal point of the story. In fact, everything up to the ancient civilization should be mostly window dressing to set the scene, focus mostly on the building of his army and the political maneuvering he does. I’m iffy on the ancient civilization part. It feels like a bit of a departure from the more gritty realistic world you have otherwise, I don’t think it’s impossible to make work but again you have to be careful.
I was really skeptical about the end portion at first, but rereading it I actually think it’s great. The idea of recruiting everyone of competence rejected by the leviathan is just perfect.
This is obviously a very political story, but you should try to make sure that it sits behind a veil. You don’t want to be too heavy handed and scare off potential readers. Be very subtle and leave a lot to implication, and lean into the fact that you have modern viewers who will understand certain subtext.
I agree, the earlier arcs are really only building up to the true climax of the story which is the final war arc. I never planned the early war arc to be that big in scope anyway, since we'd only be following D's operational history. Though I do envision the smaller arcs themselves to sometimes be self contained enough to be somewhat episodic or at least self-contained enough to read independently. To be honest subtlety is going to be the hardest part here. I do agree that the underground world is perhaps the least characteristic part, really what I needed was a staging ground and a place to safely wage war against the world from, and at the time reading theories about neuschwabenland and simultaneously some adventure sci-fi caused it to suddenly click for me, this was one of my very late additions. This whole nuclear holy war Schtick just felt like the right thing to do in the end. From the point D is enlightened in the pyramid to the end everything takes on a new mythological tone. To be honest I kind of did make a huge departure from what could be from my setting/world at that point, I think there are a few moments like that through my story, the shangri-la is most definitely "a new beginning" sort of point so I'll have to coast on my reader's suspension of disbelief for it to work. That and honestly I've dreamed of going native for years so why not add a chapter expressly about that? I love characters like Tarzan, (and earlier, of course I also love frankenstein) I've considered the hidden world to be tied with a somewhat esoteric (though art is innately exoteric) throughline of spiritual and supernatural themes and whatnot, making it another of those things buried by the leviathan and somesuch with a few supernatural spook stories sandwiched into the training and combat arcs to foreshadow that some things that deny human understanding still exist out there. I do see it as a moment that might lose some reader's either way of course, as well as any other moments that my chudism shines through. Either my story is subtle enough to reel in even normies, or it's too chuddy from the outset to be more than a cult classic with my friends.( I think him being beat up by dark-skin bullies might end up fine, I was tempted to copy and paste my childhood experience (from small snaqs #1) of comparing a black person to a hominid in a museum exhibit to perhaps be too
(hit character limit) -unsubtle, as entertaining as it might be.) I'm fine with either outcome tbh. My work is meant really to be an artistic expression of my chudism in the end. I always planned to slip in unsavory political elements with a chaser. I don't necessarily expect even to make money from this though, I just feel drawn to it for the love of it, again this is years worth of daydreaming for me. That's the best I can muster in reply since things aren't really in stone still.
you could layer in some more fictional elements earlier, maybe have some prophesies that get fulfilled or mentions of esoteric discoveries on the cutting edge of science
Foreshadowing things like this early to ease the blow is definitely the call to make. Another example of where I coud do this is foretell human trafficking's involvement in the story through military/police training about how to spot and stop human trafficking, since they are briefed on such situations and how to react to discovering it.
Not going to read the whole thing because I want to see this play out and read it blind when it's refined and complete. The concept of one retard left unchecked bringing the world to it's knees is my favorite kind of power fantasy so I'm very interested
Strongly agree with point 1. Currently reading a book written by a female artist and the opening is just a bunch of world salad she conglomerated in order to “immerse” you in the main characters view. The reality of it is that it comes off pretentious when trying too hard. It also turns out to be really gay, retarded, and also gay
Some comments/criticisms:
I think you have to be very careful with how your character responds to the more political situations. He can’t start off redpilled, he has to slowly get redpilled over time until the incompetence and special preference with his daughter sends him over the edge. Also, the war part should maybe be condensed a little bit, it should be a challenge and a part where he learns but shouldn’t be the focal point of the story. In fact, everything up to the ancient civilization should be mostly window dressing to set the scene, focus mostly on the building of his army and the political maneuvering he does. I’m iffy on the ancient civilization part. It feels like a bit of a departure from the more gritty realistic world you have otherwise, I don’t think it’s impossible to make work but again you have to be careful.
I was really skeptical about the end portion at first, but rereading it I actually think it’s great. The idea of recruiting everyone of competence rejected by the leviathan is just perfect.
This is obviously a very political story, but you should try to make sure that it sits behind a veil. You don’t want to be too heavy handed and scare off potential readers. Be very subtle and leave a lot to implication, and lean into the fact that you have modern viewers who will understand certain subtext.
I agree, the earlier arcs are really only building up to the true climax of the story which is the final war arc. I never planned the early war arc to be that big in scope anyway, since we'd only be following D's operational history. Though I do envision the smaller arcs themselves to sometimes be self contained enough to be somewhat episodic or at least self-contained enough to read independently. To be honest subtlety is going to be the hardest part here. I do agree that the underground world is perhaps the least characteristic part, really what I needed was a staging ground and a place to safely wage war against the world from, and at the time reading theories about neuschwabenland and simultaneously some adventure sci-fi caused it to suddenly click for me, this was one of my very late additions. This whole nuclear holy war Schtick just felt like the right thing to do in the end. From the point D is enlightened in the pyramid to the end everything takes on a new mythological tone. To be honest I kind of did make a huge departure from what could be from my setting/world at that point, I think there are a few moments like that through my story, the shangri-la is most definitely "a new beginning" sort of point so I'll have to coast on my reader's suspension of disbelief for it to work. That and honestly I've dreamed of going native for years so why not add a chapter expressly about that? I love characters like Tarzan, (and earlier, of course I also love frankenstein) I've considered the hidden world to be tied with a somewhat esoteric (though art is innately exoteric) throughline of spiritual and supernatural themes and whatnot, making it another of those things buried by the leviathan and somesuch with a few supernatural spook stories sandwiched into the training and combat arcs to foreshadow that some things that deny human understanding still exist out there. I do see it as a moment that might lose some reader's either way of course, as well as any other moments that my chudism shines through. Either my story is subtle enough to reel in even normies, or it's too chuddy from the outset to be more than a cult classic with my friends.( I think him being beat up by dark-skin bullies might end up fine, I was tempted to copy and paste my childhood experience (from small snaqs #1) of comparing a black person to a hominid in a museum exhibit to perhaps be too
(hit character limit) -unsubtle, as entertaining as it might be.) I'm fine with either outcome tbh. My work is meant really to be an artistic expression of my chudism in the end. I always planned to slip in unsavory political elements with a chaser. I don't necessarily expect even to make money from this though, I just feel drawn to it for the love of it, again this is years worth of daydreaming for me. That's the best I can muster in reply since things aren't really in stone still.
you could layer in some more fictional elements earlier, maybe have some prophesies that get fulfilled or mentions of esoteric discoveries on the cutting edge of science
Foreshadowing things like this early to ease the blow is definitely the call to make. Another example of where I coud do this is foretell human trafficking's involvement in the story through military/police training about how to spot and stop human trafficking, since they are briefed on such situations and how to react to discovering it.
Very cool, looking forward to seeing any prose that comes out of this concept. Love the idea of a dark and grisly chuddy adventure story.
Not going to read the whole thing because I want to see this play out and read it blind when it's refined and complete. The concept of one retard left unchecked bringing the world to it's knees is my favorite kind of power fantasy so I'm very interested
Strongly agree with point 1. Currently reading a book written by a female artist and the opening is just a bunch of world salad she conglomerated in order to “immerse” you in the main characters view. The reality of it is that it comes off pretentious when trying too hard. It also turns out to be really gay, retarded, and also gay
Imma keep it a buck this would be good for normies but I’d never read it.
Fair.